Diary of the Modern Man

Ding! The microwave alerts me that my most delectable meal is now fully prepared for consumption. This fanciest of all microwavable dinners is held in a plastic bowl covered by a plastic sheet glued onto the plastic bowl by an inedible glue with a melting point much lower than is required to cook the meal. I dump the meal onto a plastic plate, because I’m not a low-class savage, and carry it over to my plastic table where I sit in my plastic chair. I pick up my plastic fork and stab at my hot meal before lifting the food up to my mouth and inserting the fork into my mouth.

Fuck! Way too hot. As my mouth burns, I run to my fridge to grab some water to stop the pain. Damn it, no water. I forgot to fill the fridge after I drank the last bottle. So, I run out to the garage, poke my finger into the plastic wrapping to make a hole, rip the plastic open with both hands and pull out a plastic water bottle. By this point my mouth is already seared. The roof of my mouth is flaking. Glug, glug, glug, I drink half the bottle down. It’s not nearly as thirst quenching as I’d hoped it to be as the garage is usually over 100 degrees. No worries though, I store my plastic water bottles in the garage but I put them in the fridge before I drink them. I store them out there because I buy in bulk. A case sometimes sits in the sweltering garage for months or even a year. I only drink water out of plastic bottles because my tap water tastes horrible.

I try to finish the meal stored in a plastic bowl with a plastic sheet, dumped onto a plastic plate set on a plastic table, eaten with a plastic fork, washed down with water stored in a plastic bottle but there’s just too much. I put the rest in a plastic container with a plastic lid so I can heat it up in the microwave tomorrow for lunch.

My wife usually doesn’t have time to make dinner. She’s too busy working at her job in human resources. We’ve had trouble getting pregnant. She makes me wear a cock cage. I like it when she spits on me and calls me a bitch while I watch her getting fucked.